Airplane Humor

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Bill - 20 May 2004 19:55 GMT

No Trolls, Not intended to offend anyone
Not Political. Just funny.
Bill

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ...I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am
at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating
location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.
Crickmore -test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes
in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power
left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh sh.t!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is
prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on
a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity
as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill
you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash
as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard
down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over
squadron operations desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good
bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities
in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author
unknown, but surely someone who's been there)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the
edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of
ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to
taxi to the terminal.

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Jim Lilly - 20 May 2004 22:55 GMT

Bill,

> The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good
> bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities
> in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author
> unknown, but surely someone who's been there)

ROTFLMAO!!!!

Excellent list!
--

Jim L.
https://sourceforge.net/projects/virtual-access/
Using - Virtual Access(OLR), ZAP 4.5, & WinXP Pro w/SP1

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C.O.Jones - 21 May 2004 02:04 GMT

Heh! Heh! Great! Keep them coming!

> No Trolls, Not intended to offend anyone
> Not Political. Just funny.
[quoted text clipped - 88 lines]
> You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to
> taxi to the terminal.

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Andrew NIELSEN - 22 May 2004 13:15 GMT

Controllers and Pilots conversations that passengers normally don't
hear...
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
and control towers from around the world:
While taxiing at LaGuardia the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and
I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running
high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married
to you once?"

-----
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make
a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide
spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it
costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars' worth."

-----
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his
approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take
the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

----
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was
being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one
o'clock and three miles." Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?" Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well... I've got
something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."

---
Unknown aircraft: "I'm fg bored!" Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I
said I was fg bored, not fg stupid!"

----
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, Roger; and yes, we copied
Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
----
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement
that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt. Speedbird 206 clear of
the active runway." Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to
a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now." Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly):
Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

----
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."

----
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an
answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice (in a
beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Fubar - 22 May 2004 15:21 GMT

Luv em!!!

Signature

Fubar of The HillPeople
AMA605992
KE6ERB
http://www.fubar1.net
"I've heard the screams of the vegetables."

> Controllers and Pilots conversations that passengers normally don't
> hear...
[quoted text clipped - 79 lines]
> |
> |snip

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WTH - 22 May 2004 15:54 GMT

Those were even better, thanks :).

I'll give you one that my father, sadly, tells repeatedly (and or course
laughs louder than everyone else DURING the punchline...)

Supposedly on the Merv Griffin show in the mid 70's Merv had a special guest
on... "Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to introduce to you the only man
living man who was an ace fighter pilot in 3 wars. Please welcome Ole
Gunnar Jorgenson everybody!" To much applause an ancient and decrepit
aviator, wearing a bomber jacket with a myriad of insignia, walked slowly
out onto the stage with the help of a cane and a production assistant. The
old man sat down, folded his hands over the top of his cane and looked at
Merv. Merv spoke up, "Mr. Jorgensen, it is a great pleasure to have you
here today, I take it that you were a pilot in not just World War I, but in
the Spanish Civil War as well." The old man replied in a VERY heavy Swedish
accent, "Aye, mr. Griffin, I was an ace in World War I, an ace in the
Spanish Civil War, and an ace in World War II..." Merv replied, "That is
AMAZING Mr. Jorgensen, simply amazing. Was there any time in particular
where you thought your life was truling in danger, where you found yourself
in deep, deep trouble?" The audience leaned forward in there chairs, and
Merv listened attentively as Mr Jorgensen replied "Aye, Mr. Griffen, there
was this one time when I was on an early patrol, and suddenly out of the sky
these three fokkers dove from the..." Mr Jorgensen was interrupted by an
enormous peal of laughter from all of the audience members and Merv had to
stand up and say "Please, please! People, please remember that in World War
I there was a german plane called the Fokker. Please, (chuckling) calm
down." but Mr. Jorgensen replied, "Aye, Mr. Griffen, there was, but this
was World War II and these three fokkers were flying messerschmitts!"

WTH;)

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Frederick Witt - 23 May 2004 00:42 GMT

A few more.....

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,
behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot
remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.
Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the
insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough for another one."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence - UA 737. [pause]
Cessna: San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737.
[longer pause]
Tower: UA 737, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172.
Someone: Giggles and laughter in background.

ABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33.
TWR: Alpha bravo charlie, negative visual contact pull up go around.
IABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33.
TWR: Negative visual contact pull up and go around.
ABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33.
TWR: Negative visual contact pull up and go around.
ABC: Well look out you window, I'm right bloody in front of you!
Tower came back very cool and collected.
TWR: Alpha bravo charlie look down into the centre of the runway pattern. Do
you see a big white radar dome?
ABC: err....negative visual on dome tower.
TWR: That's because you're not over London. You're over Waterloo-Wellington
50 miles north-east of my position. Waterloo-Wellington tower frequency is
125.00. I think they would like to talk to you.

DCA Clearance delivery responded to a request for an IFR clearance with a
rapid-fire clearance that went on and on, with various VORs, fixes,
altitudes, etc. After a pause, a voice came back, in a slow Texas drawl,
"OK, now why don't ya'll say that again, real slow, as if it mattered."

Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name
you'd get a better response!"

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Model Forum / Radio Controlled / Air Models / May 2004

Airplane Humor